Intro to BDSM

bondage-2281182_1920.jpg

How nasty is nasty? How kinky is kinky? How much of a tease are you? Are you into roleplay? Regardless of the type of relationship you’re in, teasing, getting a little nasty, and talking dirty is common when initiating or having sex. BDSM is a less common yet more active form of exploring kinks and fetishes through sexual acts. BDSM stands for bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism–all of which are related to erotic practices and roleplaying between two people: the dominant and the submissive. It involves performing, demanding, and controlling sexual practices, as well as submitting to domination, demands, and requests.

In BDSM, the dominant party, or dom (typically the male, but not always), is the person in charge. They create rules for their submissive, and it is important during this step to make sure to enforce the right rules and know what limitations exist. The entire point of BDSM in a relationship is for the dominant party to set rules to accommodate the submissive, reeling out the most information one can learn about the submissive in order to maximize the effectiveness of a BDSM interaction as a whole by meeting the needs and respecting the limits of one another.

Some dominants desire to feel appreciated and powerful when participating in sexual BDSM acts, and thus request and/or demand their submissive to refer to them as ‘sir,’ ‘daddy,’ or ‘master.’ Some submissives may not be okay with this, and that is why setting rules and expectations is vital when trying out BDSM. Knowing your partner’s likes, desires, and limits is important during these sexual interactions. Think about it as sexual play with the use of different objects and toys without posing any serious harm to one another.

Still confused? Think about having sexual intercourse with a man who happens to cause you some pain because he’s a bit on the larger side. Although the act is a little painful, it can still be enjoyable for some of us, right? Dominant/submissive relationships involve humiliation, pain, and dehumanization, which can serve as unconventional forms of pleasure and intimacy. With the use of chains, ropes, handcuffs, feathers, whips, belts, and chokers on the submissive, the dominant is capable of creating a load of pleasure. BDSM is all about roleplaying and the position of power–mentally and physically. It’s just a way of revealing your kinky side and allows for one party to force the other into an orgasm and at other times, teases the other into the brink of an orgasm with no release at all.

Here are some facts you should know about BDSM, before trying it out for yourself:

  1. BDSM is not sexual assault–it involves consent.

  2. Penetrative sex isn’t necessarily involved.

  3. Research is important before participating.

  4. The use of “safe” words or gestures is common to signal discomfort and stop an act.

  5. You can say “no” whenever you’d like. Communication is key.

  6. Always discuss limitations prior to BDSM acts.

  7. Being a little kinky doesn’t make you crazy!

  8. Although BDSM acts are kinky and rough, toys can be used in place of whips and other more intimidating objects.

  9. BDSM can happen between people in a relationship – or not.

  10. Every act is like a well-planned out scene.

Many people associate BDSM with the infamous Fifty Shades of Grey series (E.L. James, 2011) starring the illustrious Christian Grey and the shy Anastasia Steele. Christian Grey, the story’s main male character, plays the role of an extremely wealthy businessman who comes to find solace in and a fascination with Steele’s inhibited, reserved, and virginal appearance. Grey is attracted to Steele’s virginity, and once he finally gets her in his home, he introduces her to the world of BDSM. Grey leads her to his sex room, filled with whips, chains, handcuffs, paddleboards, spanking tables, among other erotic and kinky toys to be used during sex. There are boundaries in their sexual relationship, as there should be, as well as communicated preferences. Just know that bondage and submission didn’t begin with a book or movie. According to the Society for Psychotherapy website, over 60% of people have fantasized about BDSM, people of all genders, abilities, ethnicities, and sexual orientations engage in BDSM, and a 2005 survey of 317,000 people indicated that 10% of people in the U.S. have engaged in BDSM and 5% of people worldwide have engaged in it.

Some people have a difficult time believing that dominants and submissives can and do switch roles sometimes, but it does happen. A woman may take control and be in charge. Never forget though, everything is consensual and can be limited at the discretion of both parties. Assuming the role of a dom is important for several reasons. When one assumes the role of a dom, all of their rules are honored. What a dom wants goes, and what a dom doesn’t want doesn’t happen. The role of the dom involves knowing how hard to smack the sub’s ass and the right speed, knowing the sub’s favorite position, knowing how to tie a rope perfectly and not too tightly to where it will cut off circulation, not handcuffing too tight to avoid bruising or injuring the sub’s body, etc. It’s all about knowing.

Many sexual acts that we participate in are included in BDSM. For example, cursing – it’s as though the foul language women typically get offended by are okay in a sexual context. Let’s open up this conversation: how many of you ladies like to talk dirty? How many of you men enjoy using profanity with your sexual partner to help intensify the moment? Believe it or not, all of that is included in BDSM practices. It’s more exotic, kinky, sometimes ‘dark,’ and even more erotic. There are more aspects of the sexual world that need exploring. Don’t be afraid to say you enjoy a little spanking from time to time, or begging for your life while handcuffed to a pool table. The interesting thing about BDSM roles is that once the roleplaying and sexual acting ends, both parties then participate in something called aftercare, better known as the mental, physical, and emotional care and support after a BDSM scene/encounter. You never know, your partner may have something in store after reading this. Let Daddy know what you like ladies! Try something new, but know that it’s right for you. Do your research!