My Poly/Mono Relationship
About a month and half ago I met a guy- let’s call him Mars- and it was butterflies, attraction, connection, and everything in between. It started as one of those “he slid into my DM” type things, which I think is cute and I don’t care what anyone says. We started sending messages and as the night went on we both felt a connection. We decided to explore it together.
We exchanged numbers and began to talk everyday and our feelings developed. One night we were texting and he brought up someone he called “his love” and at first I didn't think too much of it. But then he brought them back up again. I panicked. My first thought was he’s in a relationship and I’m the other woman. The man I thought was amazing was a cheater. But then it finally hit me. Mars is polyamorous.
I was monogamous and he was polyamorous. And if you don't know what that means I will explain very quickly; polyamory is marriage or relationship in which a spouse or partner may have more than one partner at the same time, and monogamy is having only one partner at a time. Let me just be clear polygamy and monogamy are both valid, and one is not better than the other. Both relationship types can be healthy or unhealthy and it just depends on the partners you are with! And poly-mono relationships are possible, but it’s not easy.
Mars and I had very long conversations about it for days, trying to figure out if there was a way to work things out. He didn't want a monogamous relationship and I didn’t want a polyamorous one, but we eventually stopped talking about it and just decided to see where things went. We didn't want to just give up on what we had.
A few weeks went by and Valentine's Day was a few days away, and he brought up his plans with his love and I got this bad, sick feeling in my chest. I wasn't jealous of his current partner because I understood their relationship and that he would always love them. I was upset that I couldn't be with him on Valentine’s Day because we are long distance and he had plans with his partner. Yes, I know Valentine's Day is cheesy and it wasn't that serious but it made me realize that I was being harsh on myself and a bit selfish.
As a monogamous person I’m fine and satisfied with one partner. It doesn't mean I want to own my partner or feel as I will ever only love one person, but I’m happy with only having one partner at a time and usually date other monogamous people. I began to realize that this relationship would force me to confront a few things as a monogamous person. I would never want to change Mars, but I became a little angry that I had to change, because I did. I questioned so much about myself: why I wasn’t enough, why I ended up liking a guy that couldn't give me the type of relationship I wanted, was I just the girl he talked to when the other partner wasn't around, what if he finds someone who could give him the type of relationship he needed.
The list went on and on forever in my head. I tried making sense of it all, but I realized that it wasn't about me at all. It was never about my worth or what I could or couldn't give him, it was about him and him being true to himself and wanting to love in his life. He is a loving person who wants to love as many people as he can and his lovingness is what makes me like him so much. How could I be upset about that? But it's been a hard struggle for me because I do go back and forth with myself about if I’m able to do this because it takes a lot of work to rewire the thoughts that I have about my partner having other partners, and a matter of my happiness.
I've learned that love's about letting your partner be their true selves. Love should be liberating and not holding someone back from their happiness while also remembering that your own happiness and feelings matter, too. Because while yes, love should be librating, that includes yourself, too. I learned that what I was feeling was normal and okay. Being monogamous and dating and being with a polyamorous partner isn't easy whatsoever but it can work and it can be fulling!
Mars and I still date, and we are working things out. It's still the best relationship I've had in a long time. I know a lot of people will say it won't work in the long run and it may or may not. Until then I have a lot more to learn about Mars and about what it means to love and care about someone.